Safety Jokes in the workplace can bring a little fun and excitement into the hum drum of normal office life. Each week bring in a new safety joke and post it in the break room. Let your employees laugh a little. Still it is important to make your employees understand that safety is no laughing matter. When it comes to safety in your business it most always be taken seriously. Here are a few safety jokes to get you started on your weekly safety jokes.

The Peeing Accident

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman’s cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. “Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex.”

The coroner said, “Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?”

The electrician replied, “I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!’ ”

Go to Work

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

Useful Phrases at Work

  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

Casual Fridays

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

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